This morning, I woke up shaking. I don’t know why. My body randomly chooses days to shake and days not to shake. Maybe I’m more tired today than yesterday. Maybe my body is more exhausted than I thought. Maybe. I don’t know.
“Are you in pain?” people often ask me. No, most days I have very little pain. “That’s good,” they reply with a smile, as if I’m much better off, as if I’m getting better. Sure, it’s very nice not to have terrible pain like some people do. But I’m trapped in a body that shakes, that is weak, that feels like I’m dragging lead weights around with me all the time. I’m in a body in a body that gets so exhausted from a short shopping trip that it takes a couple days to recover.
It’s hard to explain to people what this feels like. And it’s hard to explain that, despite all the things I’ve tried (and yes, there have been many), my body doesn’t respond. Sometimes I’m treated like I haven’t done enough. Thankfully, my doctors know better. It’s hard, though, when friends treat me that way.
It is difficult, on days like today, to try and function. It’s much easier to curl up in bed and hang on to a pillow so I don’t feel the shaking so much. To listen to music and watch movies so I don’t have to think and wonder and drive myself crazy about what might be causing my shaking today and what I can do about it. And then guilt myself that I’m lying in bed instead of getting up and doing something that may or may not help the shaking to stop.
All I can really do is to accept that I have little control over what my body decides to feel like today. I can’t drive myself crazy over it. I don’t want to. I do have control over what I focus on today. I choose to focus on a good movie, on music and my latest crochet project and the audio Bible I love to listen to. I can choose those things, even when my world is shaking.