When I Can’t

I’ve done a lot this Christmas. To the normal, healthy American, it probably looks like I’ve had a pretty relaxed and laid back holiday, but to me, this is a whole lot more activity than I’m used to. And I’ve realized how tired it’s made me. Still, I’m healthier than I’ve been for a while, so I’ve been cramming in as much life as I can do. The closer it got to Christmas, though, the more I felt the familiar symptoms creeping back. By Christmas Eve evening, I felt like collapsing. I was struggling to remember simple things. I’d been stumbling over words all day, feeling like my brain was turning into pea soup. Even though other people tell me that I sound just fine and they can’t tell I’m struggling to think, I can tell. I’m not reaching my normal thinking capacity. Not at all.

As I laid on the couch listening to Christmas carols with my parents, I wanted to cry. All I wanted to do was to drink in the loveliness of the true meaning of Christmas- Jesus. I wanted to think about Him and enjoy what these songs said about the Christmas story, but I could hardly think at all. I couldn’t process. Why was this all happening all over again to me? Why couldn’t I get better? Why couldn’t I just enjoy this moment?

Then it dawned on me. All this last year, God has impressed me to just rest in Him and trust Him for each moment. I couldn’t figure out what to do next, but He was holding on to me. And right now, all He wanted me to do was rest in Him. I couldn’t think like I wanted to. But I could grab on to one simple Christmas truth: Jesus came to earth as a baby so that one day He could die for my sins. Because He loves me. And because He loves me, He’s taking care of me right now. I can grab on to that truth and hold on to it like my life depends on it. I don’t have to be smart or eloquent or grasp all the deep things about Christmas. All He wants is for me to hang on to Him. He’s got me. And I could rest in that.


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